Change
by Pyra Storge
Summary: Raven is falling away from reality as Beast Boy is dead. Can Raven learn to let go of the past while she relives it?


**Raven**

No blood, no sweat, no sex, no fighting hard. Well, except for the internal struggles. In that case, then yes, she was pouring out her intestines, suffering heat stroke, sucking a cock, and going ten rounds with Ronda Rousey.

But the case was more strange than that. See, Raven was trying to commit to the hardest thing of human, demonic, and angelic nature:

Change.

Raven was walking amongst the waves of fire, holding onto the rings of love, and bringing the trauma of the past desires through her head as she desired that of the flesh. She wished she could have taken Beast Boy when she had the chance. Wished she could've saved his life. Granted, there were days she only wanted him for the sensation of him taking her head, but she felt shame after a quick finger or two proceeded to bring her fantasies to life.

In her mind of course.

She'd never dare to use her fingers enchanted in magic in order to force a mortal to fall in love with her. That would be torturous to fuck for pleasure and then cry at night because you realized the only reason they loved you was because you forced them too. One could even call it hellish. It'd drive the average girl insane after awhile. After you've already lost yourself and given into the madness of life, you probably wouldn't care, but that's Joker talk and that's a philosophy and monster in it's own story.

I'll suppose you'd prefer me to get on with the story, huh? To end the seminar of our philosophy? Ah, who am I to resist? My very own descriptions seem to meddle with the story and I must get to the dialouge.

At this time, Raven laid in her bed with her black gown bunched over her stomach, masturbating with her hand slapping against her labia hard as she forced her ring and middle finger in deep. She was soaking in sweat and with labored breath, she moaned only slightly so no one could here in the next room. She was grateful the bed was shake-proof and there was no creaking from her rapid movement.

Finally, she squirted out her juices and had to cover her mouth to cover the orgasmic loud groan. With this, she realized that the ha d she covered her mouth with was the one she had used to masturbate with. She felt the hot sex liquid drip on her lips. Disgusting. Rave. quickly pursed her lips and wiped them on her forearm and after a few futile attempts at spitting out any left over "cum," she laid in her sweat and grasped on the blanket as the orgasm finally trailed away and the next train wouldn't even be availiable until five in the morning.

She felt her heart fill with dread. What had she done? What a fucking idiot she'd been. She was masturbating over a dead boy who wasn't even hers to ever begin with. Raven pulled her nightgown on as if that would hide the sin she'd done. She felt a bead of sweat finally soak back into her forehead as she became calm.

To clear her thoughts, she grabbed the whiskey off the nightstand and guzzed the liquor. It burned her thrpat, but she needed the shock in her teeth to distract her.

Unaffected by the "hitting the kitty," she was left with only shame and heartache of losing the boy, no, the man she'd pushed away and lost. He would be a man if she'd saved him. Raven, overflowing with guilt, grabbed her phone and opened up her photo gallery. Inside were pictures of the entire Titans Team. What good times they had been.

Every photo told a story. In one, there was a photo of Raven and Beast Boy at a carnival riding on a ferris wheel. Another one showed a scene of a young Starfire and Raven kissing. Then another one showed Terra and Beast Boy in wedding outfits, kissing, the day he died. Raven decided to reminisce on the memories. The painful ones and the happy ones.

How the entire world swirled away from her was cruel, reminding her of how her entire world changed in one night.

 **Seven Years Ago…**

Raven stretched her fifteen year old body out and felt the air grip on her. She put on her cloak and waltzed out of her room and into the kitchen where Beast Boy and Cyborg were playing against Damien in chess. Beast Boy of course was a moron and didn't know how to move a fucking pawn one space forward.

Starfire was holding a towel with big pink bag in hand. Raven realized they were planning on going to that carnival rolling through town.

"Hello, Friend Raven," Starfire beamed excitedly. Her smile flashed brightly and burled a spark of joy in her heart. "Would you like to go with us to the festival that is most festive."

"The carnival, Star?"

"Yes!"

"I'll consider," Raven went to the counter and picked up a piece of raisin bread.

"Oh please," Beast Boy laughed. "I doubt she'd ever go anywhere past the pizza place."

"And I guess if I sucked your dick you'd fuck off," Raven walked off. She could hear Cyborg guffawing as a loud thump sounded like a punch to his arm. Raven decided she'd don't something appropriate in the hot day. She ditched the cloak. After all, she could just summon it via magic if she needed it later.

Raven returned to the kitchen and threw the crust of the bread in the trash. She was wearing jean and a purple shirt the colour of rich wine. She snapped her fingers and her hair became straight and polished. Cleanly, her walk was eloquent, but her movement was poorly coordinated. Pretty much any other posh white teenaged girl texting while walking while trying to charm the boys in a slutty way with the movement of her hips, yet, reject every good hearted man except the quarterback of the team. Or the goalie for those who watch football (soccer).

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"I am-" Beast Boy looked up and dropped his tone and fell into the ditch of silence. "Whoa," he said awestruck as he beheld her beauty. His eyes skimmed up and down her body. No doubt he got an erection when she noticed his eyes hesitated for an extra split second on her breasts. Fucking typical. But how could she could complain? It would be like going to a sex rehab fully nude and blaming the patients for getting horny.

"Indeed," Starfire clapped. "Let us go to the festival that is most festive."

"Carnival," Raven simplified under her breath. The Titans joined her in the elevator. Everyone was dressed to ease. Damien in cargo shorts and a light green T-shirt. Beast Boy in his light baggy brown pants and grey shirt. Cyborg was off course in his normal attire, but being a cybernetic man infected by Darkseid's weaponry, it's not likely anyone would bitch about you being naked. The elevator descended.

Before long,they had been in the carnival for over a couple of hours. No villain attacks and Raven actually laughed. Damien and Cyborg dominated anything that required precision and accuracy, Beast Boy mastered strength with the cheat of his powers and Starfire was an amazing at any contest. She was too competitive and for a good reason too. After thirty minutes at the park, they had to restrict her to only throwing balls at fans for charity because there was no way they were going to be able to carry all the stuffed animals back.

"Hey, Damien," Raven looked over at the Wayne. "Bet you can't outshoot Starfire in a can knockdown game."

He looked at Starfire. She looked at him. Beast Boy squatted down from the six giant teddy bears strapped to his back. "Holy fucking shit!" He groaned. "Can we just take a break from winning?"

"Loser kisses you," Damien smirked. Raven narrowed her eyes.

"You're on," she cracked her knuckles. "But it won't be easy to kiss me."

"I did say loser."

Raven smiled as Damien and Starfire went to a stand and slapped down two dollars. They took three balls and they both had three cans to hit down. The stand owner declared whoever hit them all down first won. Raven braced herself as the two Titans took aim. The owner blew her whistle and they threw the balls quickly. Starfire hit one down. Damien had two down. He missed a ball. Starfire hit a second one down. Then Damien hit the third one down. Raven realized he missed on purpose.

"Well," Damien looked at Raven. "A deal is a deal." He pulled out his phone and held it up. "Which way? Long way or tall way?"

Starfire approached the dark haired girl and planted a kiss on her mouth. Raven stood still before deciding to make it even hotter and more embarrassing for the boys. Maybe she could embarrass them just enough to make them question what they knew about her. To keep up some type of mysterious persona. Raven pressed into the kiss.

She heard clicking of phones before withdrawing. She looked over at the boys and put her hand on her hip. Beast Boy was darting his eyes back and forth between Raven and Starfire. "So, is this negotiable for three people?"

Cyborg punched him in the arm. He laughed, but Raven could see the worry in his eyes. Was he seriously worried if Raven was a lesbian? _Oh,_ Raven thought. He was serious about wanting a relationship behind every halfhearted joke. Maybe she should let him in on the stunt for once. She never really cared about him and just tolerated his weak attempts to hit on her as jokes. The more she thought about it, she was actually open market, she just didn't know he was serious.

After that moment, she pressed on until the evening where the sunset was. The Titans approached the carnival wheel. Raven pulled Beast Boy along and they were alone in their seats, right across from each other. Starfire had decided she didn't like the heights too much and would stay below to take pictures.

While the ride was still loading and they were on the highest point, Raven took the moment to talk to Beast Boy.

"Garfield," she leaned forward and touched his knee. "I want you to know I was just trying to play up the angle back there."

"What? The kissing thing?"

"Yeah. You just seemed a little worried."

"Why would I be worried?" Beast Boy rubbed the back of his head.

"Um, well, I thought you liked me and-"

"You think I have a crush on you?"

"Sorry," Raven leaned back. "I thought you did."

"No, no, no," he took her hand. "I really do like you. I just thought… well, for a hot girl like you, I would be out of your league."

"What? Says who?"

"Just a thought."

"Hey, you want to see something?" Raven leaned forward.

"Sure."

Raven, immature teenager, exposed herself to Beast Boy. When she dropped her shirt, she kissed him. "Hey, if you're still interested later tonight, you can see some more."

"Are you serious?"

"As long you don't tell anyone else, I'll be your pretty little slut."

"Picture!" Starfirr screamed out as the two came down. Raven laughed as Beast Boy put a smile on hus face.

"Raven, look, I loved you, but-"

"Loved?"

"Sorry," he gave a more pained smile. "You've pushed me away so much that I gave up trying to impress you. I've been seeing someone else and well, we're getting married."

"Married?" Raven was belwildered. "To who?"

"Terra."

"She doesn't even remember you!"

"And lightning twice," he said more nervous. "I'm sorry. I was worried you might take this the wrong way and I almost fooled myself into thinking that you really didn't want me when you kissed Starfire. That loose ends could be tied up.

Raven sat back. Beast Boy was out of her grasp now. She was too late to get him back. The ride finally ended and she no longer felt like everything would be okay between them again. Raven couldn't stand to be in the same room with him ever again.

She sank into the ground and disappeared from the presence of the Titans. She tore off the Titan tracker and communicator to make sure she'd never feel the pain again.

After about two months, she sat on the roof about two miles from the Titan Tower. She zoomed in with her camera and snapped a picture. Terra and Beast Boy kissing. They were both clothed in wedding attire. Raven couldn't stand it anymore and took another sip from the whiskey bottle.

She had been too late to stop Beast Boy's execution. He was dead as they kissed. Forever swearing not live with her was swearing death in her eyes. As far as she was concerned, he was dead.

And she couldn't live sane if her only secret admirer was gone.

 **Present…**

Raven just breathed heavily. She sighed and realized how much an accident made everything exponentially worse. That her own ignorance to truth was the cause of her misery. Now, she saw why so many of those Christians struggled with their religion and what they call sin. She could see why so many alcoholics struggled with what they call addiction. She could see why she, a heartbroken virgin, be unable to climb out her self-centered hellhole. It was all her fault, but just like Christians and alcoholics, she could recover and turn away from the problem with proper help.

She lost her Beast and she couldn't get him back ever. He wouldn't come for her and therefore, she wouldn't go to him. So no, there was no recovery she'd accept. Maybe a game would take her mind off things.

There would be no Prince Charming coming to sweep this Cinderella off her feet. Today, Raven realized the only way to feel better was to just X him out of her life. But no, instead, she comforted herself by switching off the phone and moving her hand down to her clit.

Change only came when someone would help you through it. While you can do it by yourself, Raven was not strong enough to. That's why she moaned again because when Beast Boy touched Terra's lips, Raven knew, that that was the day Prince Charming never loved Cinderella.

Unable to keep pleasuring herself, she got up and went to the desk, sitting down. After everything she had been through, she knew she would never change. She had played a dangerous game of pushing Beast Boy away until she really wanted him and he would never be there. Maybe she could play one more dangerous game. Her hand rested in the middle of the desk. A game where she only needed one toy. She needed to pick between the games as her hand laid in the middle of the desk.

Between a bottle of whiskey and a pistol.


End file.
